Spiders to bypass SWD

By Ima Homer
Disassociated Press
BOSTON - For the first time in modern franchise history, Boston's Spiders will not be participating in the Spring Waiver Draft.
"We've always done very well in the SWD," Spidie Czar Dale Messmer said. "We got Ryan Freel that way, among others I can't remember right now because the drugs haven't kicked in.
"This year, we go into Spring Training with 33 guys fighting for 30 roster spots, so there will be no need for us to go fishing in the waiver pool."
Messmer added that the Spiders are entertaining trade offers to reduce their bloated bench to 30 by season's start.
"I don't know if anyone will want to make a trade with us," Messmer said with a shrug. "We're not exactly in a position of strength, and we're not looking for another Jason Bay for Carlos Baerga type of deal. We'd like to dump some of the sorry ass pitchers we have, all our pitchers if they would only let us implement our rules change that brings back the hitting tee."

Spiders weave Silkiest Damn Web Blog Ever

By Ima Freeloader
Disassociated Press
BOSTON – Dale Messmer, czar of the beloved Spiders of the MDBL, declared that blogging would be added to an upcoming season of high hopes and, thus, low despair in Spidieville.
“Hell, the two teams who were in the championship game this year have a blog, why shouldn’t the Spiders?” Messmer said as reporters ate free food, drank free beer, belched and quoted the team’s press release. “We’re a championship-caliber team until the dice start rolling.
“We will implement the Silkiest Damn Web Blog Ever ASAP, PDQ and LOL.”
Messmer, known throughout the industry as a man better suited to writing and eating than assembling talented Strat teams, has promised Spider fans fancier promotions, validated parking and pitchers this season.
“We spent a ton of friggin’ money on arms,” he said while this reporter was pouring another beer. “The only thing unlimited about our pitching staff now is the amount of money the idiots in this league will pay them after they lead the Spiders to glory and we refuse to match the free-agent offers made to men who only work every fifth day.”
Messmer, who often likens pitchers to the stuff that grows in the cavity of gutted goose carcasses, said the blog would be open to Disassociated Press reports.
“New communication technology will not keep newspaper folks like yourselves from getting your shit into the marketplace,” he said. “It will just enable more people to recognize your irrelevance. The Silkiest Damn Web Blog Ever will merely continue the reprehensible retching that sports journalists cause in the belly of every thinking man, woman, child and gutted goose.”